Hey everyone!


My name is John, and I am an esports coach for EKUSO. For those of you unfamiliar with our program, we are an outsourced esports group that helps schools launch and operate their competitive gaming programs. I know that gaming often carries a negative stigma. It can be fairly lazy and unproductive. However, I believe gaming can build character, confidence, and connections. So let me share how my esports has changed my life.


At school, I was wrought with anxiety, hopelessness, and a pervading sense of worthlessness. My anxiety kept me from maintaining strong connections, and I wondered if I could ever amount to anything. I performed well in testing; projects could be good, but I had trouble turning anything in that didn’t fit my standard. With me, it was either all or nothing.


I remember Junior year when years of anxiety started to swell up, and truancy became an issue for me. My grades began to plummet to the point that my report card displayed a 0. I had always valued 90’s in the past, the counselors told me that 70’s were good, and I was later told, “D is for diploma!”. But that 0 hit differently.  I felt like a failure, and in my mind, this was the physical proof.  It made me question everything, including my worth. I didn’t interact with anyone, hardly ate, and slept to escape.  My world was caving in.  At that point, I tried out the private school arena utilizing a non-traditional learning style, and some things got better, but I remained stuck in a cycle of perfectionism, stress, and underperforming.

And then I heard about this new opportunity. Our school was promoting new clubs, and one of them was Ekuso Esports. I recognized the student leader, Tori, as one of my history classmates, and the chance to play with a dedicated group immediately captivated me. Over the years, I had some online friends, but my anxiety gradually caused me to lose touch with them. I was hoping this time would be different.


After some hesitation and some overthinking, I nervously sent him a message…. And I got in! In the weeks leading up to our first practice, I spent hours prepping like a madman. I had watched almost every introductory video under the sun in nervous anticipation of that first day, but when that day came, I found an overly welcoming environment eager to help me learn. I didn’t know it yet, but Esports had just clicked.


Of course, with any team, there were tournaments and challenges. We stomped our first one, but soon after came the losses and the close wins too. I still couldn’t forgive myself for anything subpar, which in this case was any game short of a stomp or major comeback. Gaming actually has a term for this: tilt. It’s intense emotions of frustration, and everyone has their moments. In my case, I was good at owning my mistakes but was so hard on myself for making them that it was difficult to move past them. 


That was until I had a fateful talk with our coach, Faith. He told me, “[…] responsibility isn’t just owning a mistake. It’s taking the steps to ensure it doesn’t happen next time”. That simple reframing was what I needed; something about the context of the game, and our coach made it click. I learned that mistakes are common and it is okay to make them but don’t beat yourself up. Instead, focus on fixing those mistakes.  Use them as a tool to become better.